Antics on the Normandy
by Andrithir
Summary: A collection of oneshots. Based loosely off Lost Legacy... not to be taken seriously in any form or manner.


**Antics on the **_**Normandy**_

**So this is just a drabble, that is loosely based of **_**Lost Legacy**_**. It is not canon until it appears in LL. A friend suggested I do this because it would be funny.**

**So don't take this seriously, because it's filled with logic errors, and pop-cultural references.**

**You have been warned.**

**XXxxXX**

**Characters (brief summary)**

**Commander-117, i.e. Master Chief; John Neil Richards; Chief  
Commander Jane Catherine Shepard  
First Lieutenant James "Rook" Daniels; (Spartan-IV, formerly ODST)  
Second Lieutenant Andrew "Wizard" Thompson; (Spartan-IV, formerly ODST)  
Briar – Operative Gabriel Thorne; (ONISAD-SOG, formerly Spartan-IV and UNSC Airborne)  
Arca – Operative Adrian James Chen; **_**Anthony Stanforth Zhuge, **_**and numerous other cover names**__**(ONISAD-SOG)  
Lotus – Operative Bryce Tian Liang; **_**Bright Qin Zhou**_**, and numerous other cover names**__**(ONISAD-SOG)  
Commander Sarah "Athena" Palmer; (Spartan-IV, liaison between Spartan Branch and ONISAD-SOG)  
Various other ME characters.**

**XXxxXX**

_**The Package**_

The soft summer breeze rolled across the warzone city, columns of black smoke rose from the streets and into the morning sky and sporadic gunfire filled the air. In light-combat Special Operations Equipment, a Special Missions Unit sprinted through the city streets, crunching across the shattered glass from the skyscrapers.

"Take the package!" Grizzly yelled. The ONISAD-SOG Operative threw Lotus the cylindrical object, no bigger than a football.

Lotus caught the object slung it onto his back. OpFor firepower became more concentrated as rounds began to pick apart at his cover.

"S-Fours, coming up on our right flank!" Gummi warned. Five seconds later, three rounds struck him in the chest, leaving a fine red mist lingering in his wake.

"Gummi's down!" Honey breathed. He quickly grabbed whatever spare ammunition there was on his teammate, before dragging the fallen body behind an overturned car.

"On me, we'll make a break for the park and get to the evac site!" Arca barked.

The Operative dove to find shelter behind a cinder block on the road, before crawling towards an overturned truck. He slapped a fresh clip into his rifle and fired back at the advancing Spartans. He smiled to himself as he scored a direct hit on an S4, and watched her crumble behind her cover.

Just as the team was about to move out, an adjacent alleyway gate shattered as a technical burst onto the road. The heavy machine gun spooled up and rained hell on the pinned unit. Honey had been unlucky enough to be changing cover at the time. He fell to the ground, engulfed in a red mist.

"Fuck!" Shepard swore, "They're killing us."

John surveyed his team's position. They were pinned down at a T-junction. His Optics revealed OpFor Operators moving through the Victorian styled buildings in an attempt to flank them.

"Draw fire!" He motioned to Arca, "when he stops to reload, cover me!"

The Paramilitary Officer gave a quick nod before leaning out of cover. He squeezed the trigger in quick succession, attracting the gunner's attention.

"Chief, I go an idea," Shepard gestured.

He gave her a quick nod so she could execute whatever she planned. The Spectre quickly rolled out of cover. Vibrant cobalt tendrils coiled across her body as she concentrated her energy. In one quick pushing motion, the technical flipped end over end and came to a crashing halt.

"Okay, let's move!" John barked.

The team fell back in a leap frogging fashion, and hugged the walls closely. The Spartan quickly readjusted his cap to wipe away sweat from his brow. This was a deep infiltration op, which meant that the team had to go in barebones, no MJOLNIR armour, just casual clothes and light SOE. They couldn't afford to get locked down in a firefight. But Palmer, she knew how clandestine Operators like to work. She knew how they moved and how they attacked. It was pure luck that the team had made it this far.

"Briar, left side!" Lotus gestured.

Thorne nodded and brought his LMG to bear. He squeezed the trigger and sent rounds down the eastern avenue. He scored a few hits on a Marine, and watched the woman go down in a fine mist of red.

Rounding the corner and onto an avenue, the extraction point was just a few hundred metres away. That was when Teddy got hit. A sniper on the fifteenth floor of an apartment block had shot the Operator.

"Sniper!" Shepard yelled as she lay down suppressive fire.

"It's Palmer!" Arca growled.

"How'd you know?" The Spectre asked.

"I just do," came the reply.

Lotus shot his friend a worried look, before sending more bullets at Palmer's area.

"She's gone," John growled, "save your ammo."

Only Briar, Arca, Lotus, Chief and Shepard remained. Three casualties in ten minutes, clearly not a good exit strategy.

"We've got more Opfor inbound," Thorne frowned, looking at the UAV's video feed. He could see Marines, Helljumpers and a light contingent of vehicles headed their way. They seemed to be advancing in a leap frogging formation, wary of any traps left behind.

"I've prepared something at phase line alpha," Arca said, "Lotus with me, everyone else, get to the extraction point."

Without so much as an argument, the group agreed with the next plan of action. Lotus wordlessly handed Shepard the package before she moved off.

"So, we're playing rear-guard?" Lotus asked.

Arca nodded, brushing flecks of sand off his forearms. After waiting a few minutes, the two Operatives sprinted towards the LZ.

"They're close," Lotus said, listening to the rumbling vehicles in the distance.

Instinctively, Lotus took cover behind a fallen oak tree, while Arca moved behind a family sedan and went prone.

"I've got five Helljumpers," he whispered, watching the ODST move quickly down the avenue. "Weapon's free."

Their weapons coughed as the rounds shot from the barrel and found their mark. Spent shells clattered onto the ground as the Helljumpers' head were engulfed in a red mist.

"Why do they have full gear on?" Lotus muttered.

"Does it really matter?"

Marines began to pour onto the avenue, and joined in on the chorus of fire.

"They're firing really nasty bullets at us," Lotus gritted.

"Bang out!" Arca ordered.

Staying close to the cover of the brick fence, the two men managed to avoid the firestorm of rounds impacting all around them. They quickly made a bead for the tree line that belonged to a very large park. On the other side awaited an armoured convoy, waiting to take them out of the city.

Upon hearing the rushing sound, Arca roared, "incoming!"

Immediately, he and Lotus threw themselves to the ground as a missile sailed over their head and slammed into a tree. The trunk shattered under the shockwave, showering the area in splinters, whatever was left of the tree careened and crashed onto the luscious green grass.

"Shit," was all Lotus could say as he saw the burning stump. "Palmer must be pissed."

"There's no way the convoy can get out of the city like this."

The two men pulled themselves back up and sprinted for the trees. Still, the missiles kept coming once they had made it into the garden forest. Plumes of smoke criss-crossed through the air, while fireballs lit the shaded grounds as rockets and heavy rounds were fired aimlessly.

"She must be really pissed," Lotus said, shaking his head.

"Well what do you expect?" Arca panted.

Slinging the guns onto their backs, the two men climbed into the tree tops and continued moving. The leapt across gaps and onto branches, sliding past tree trunks and avoiding clusters of leaves. Still, more and more trees began to fell, and the amount of bullets in the air increased evermore.

Unfortunately, the two men had reached a chasm, an opening, a break in the trees. They had reached an oval with a fortification in the centre, and going around it would take far too long.

"Phase line Alpha," Arca commented.

Touching down onto the ground, the two rolled forward to keep their momentum going. They sprinted towards the sandbags as fast as they could move. Bullets began to bite at their heels, forcing them to run in a zig-zag motion. Snipers had finally caught up to them.

Lotus was the first to vault over the sandbags, and took refuge behind it. But as Arca was midway over the fortifications, he felt a bullet bite into his leg and swore. He quickly lost all feeling and control in the leg. He swore again as his cargo pants were soaked red.

"Get to the other side, I'll cover you," Arca hissed. He could see that the Chief and Thorne were waiting at the other tree line, providing whatever cover-fire they could. "I'll stay here, and do what I can to slow Palmer down."

"You're not suggesting…"

"Yes, I am," Arca growled, cutting his friend off. He pulled a dead-man's switch from his pocket and armed it. "Run! They'll be here soon."

Lotus nodded and quickly sprinted off. Dirt kicked out from under his heals as he dug into the ground ever the harder. He felt his lungs burn by the time he reached the opposing tree line.

"He's going to do it," was all the Operative say.

Thorne and Chief's facial expression softened, realising what Arca was going to do. Without prompting, the three turned away and ran for their dear lives. Arca had flicked his COM on public so that everyone could hear what he was hearing.

Lotus splashed across a creek and was greeted by the awaiting Garrus, Vega and Shepard.

"He's not actually going to?" Vega asked.

"He is," Thorne said.

"Again?" Garrus asked incredulously.

"That's why we gotta haul ass," Lotus said.

Back at the fortification, Arca cradled his sidearm and fired well aimed shots at the advancing Opfor. He had already killed three Marines, four ODSTs and two Spartan-IVs. Palmer wasn't going to be happy at all.

Another bullet bit into his right shoulder, sending him crashing into the grass, and dropping his sidearm.

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" Palmer asked in her sickly sweet voice.

Arca shook the dust from his AR glasses; he looked at the Spartan-IVs surrounding him. Like Palmer, they were only in light gear. Figures as they were the OpFor. No way would they have access to MJOLNIR Armour.

With the sun on her back, Palmer looked a bit like an angel of death. She had a DMR slung over her back, and her fatigues barely had a scratch on them.

"How ya doin' traitor?" Arca grinned.

Sarah grabbed the spook by his chest plate and hurled him onto the pile of sandbags. He groaned in pain as his back slammed onto the pile. Out of the corners of his eyes, he could see the OpFor moving into position to pin down the convoy. No doubt Palmer would've ordered her people to set up roadblocks.

Arca began to laugh. He laughed heartily, it was borderline sadistic. It was the laugh of a man who had no fear. Demarco and Hoya shifted uneasily as they watched the Operative of the UNSC's most infamous… laugh.

"What's so funny?" Palmer hissed. She had literally shoved her face into Arca's, glaring into his cold blue eyes.

He laughed gingerly and showed her what was in his left hand. "ONISAD… we always have a fucking contingency plan."

Flashing a smirk, he dropped the deadman's switch, screaming with laughter.

"Oh shit, not again," Palmer's eyes widened in horror.

…

Upon hearing the magic words over the COM, Lotus instantly threw himself into a ravine, which happened to be a creek. Vega pushed himself against the steep river banks, while Garrus braced behind a large bolder. He did mention something about Turian's not being able to swim, so it was understandable he didn't want to go into the river… and stupid.

Shepard splashed down into the water, and felt it seep into her clothing. As soon as she felt the earth rumble, she felt John's arms wrapping around her and shield her.

An ear shattering explosion rolled simultaneously with a mist of red. Branches shuddered and leaves dripped with crimson. Untouched and unharmed, the reaming group pulled themselves onto the red bank.

"Arca is insane," the Turian sighed.

"No shit?" muttered Lotus.

"At least he has the courage to do what is necessary," Javik said over the COM.

"Says the Prothean tucked safely in a tank," Jane smirked.

No reply.

Lotus gently swiped a finger along the red soaked grass and pursed his bottom lip. "Industrial grade paint… this stuff is going to last."

"Wow, overkill," Shepard sighed.

"It was biodegradable paint last time," John said.

"What do you expect?" Lotus shrugged, "He's anti-hippee."

…

Back at the oval, Arca laid spread eagle on the pile of sandbags. Palmer walked over to him, the red soaked grass squelching under her boots.

"Un-fucking-believable," she sighed, sitting down cross-legged next to him.

"It worked didn't it?" Arca groaned in pain.

Sarah sighed, and looked at the Operative with a worried expression.

"You okay?"

"A bomb just went off on me, and the surroundings area, I feel just fine!" he said sarcastically. "Just get the shemagh and glasses off me."

Knowing full well what had happened last time, Palmer was well aware of Arca's bruised condition.

Sarah gently lifted off his paint headgear one piece at a time. First was the cap which covered his crew-cut hair. Next was the glasses, being able to see unobstructed again, Adrian's eyes darted back and forth, surveying the damage. Finally, Palmer gently rolled his shemagh down to his neck and took, allowing him to be free of paint smelling air.

Everything in the immediate surrounding area was covered in red paint. It was practically a mystery to how so much paint got here. Sarah used the clean end of the shemagh and wiped it across her face, removing as much paint as she could.

"Red hair," Adrian joked, "it suits you."

Sarah rolled her eyes. Learning from previous experiences, what was soon to follow would be far more worth-it than a humiliating defeat involving gallons of red paint. She knew what Adrian was like with concentrated pain-killers running through his bloodstream. Seeing him in a euphoric high was so worth the trouble.

Palmer used whatever clean area was left to wipe her forearms, before taking off her gloves. She discarded the clothing article onto the grass, and just gazed at Adrian's serene expression.

Revived members of Seventh Element soon arrived, aside from the marks left by the simunition, they were untouched by paint.

"How long did it take you to rig this up?" Gummi asked. He eased off his headgear, revealing an uncanny resemblance to Hoya.

"Seven hours," Arca answered.

A few seconds later, the howl of Warthogs alerted Arca to the fact that the convoy had arrived. The vehicles were relatively untouched by paint, only small droplets of red dotted the area near the wheels.

"That was so freaking awesome!" yelled Lotus raising his fists in the air, running over to join his friend.

Shepard stepped out of the lead vehicle and walked towards the spread-eagled Arca, and placed a hand on her hips. "You are one crazy bastard."

"But, we won right?" Arca said, sounding like a small child.

"Yes, we won," Lotus said smugly as he sat down next to his friend.

With the wargame over, people from both sides were mingling in idle chitchat.

"I don't want to complain or anything, but I'm in pain," Adrian wheezed.

"Hey, worth it though?" Lotus raised his fist for a fist bump.

"Hell yeah" Arca raised his arm in a feeble attempt his fist not even touching Lotus's.

Lotus connected his fist; a series of cracks went through Arca's arm

"Ah! Fuck me! Careful Lotus!" Arca bellowed in pain.

"Oh poor boo," Sarah said in that sickly sweet voice of hers, "Ickledooniekins will be here soon."

Arca shot her with a mock grumpy look. "Real mature."

Soon enough, Essingdon arrived in a medevac V24 Sparrow. Thanks to the gravity modules, it barely whipped up any paint as it touched down softly onto the soaked grass. Keyes was wearing standard Spartan fatigues with a medical supply box in hand.

"Again?" Keyes sighed, looking at the battered Operative.

"What?" Arca wheezed. "Totally worth it."

Essingdon sighed, and grabbed a syringe from his kit. He brought the apparatus to eye level and checked its contents. Satisfied of the dosage (which was a lot, all things considering), he plunged it into Arca's veins.

"Ah fuck!" the Operative bellowed. With adrenaline no longer coursing through his body, there was little too dull the pain of a bomb going off on his body.

"Hey, your fault for trying to play martyr," Palmer scolded.

"You're just jealous," Lotus and Arca said in unison.

There was a neat thing about the nanites, they were able to identify what chemicals would be beneficial to the body, and what would not. Keyes literally injected a pint worth of painkillers into Arca, the nanites in his body went to work immediately, dispersing the pseudo-morphine.

Noticing the immediate change in Arca's behaviour, Palmer quickly pulled out her camera and started recording.

"How are you felling now?" she asked with sincere kindness.

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeow!" was the lopsided reply.

"That stuff works pretty quick," Shepard said with a slight nod of admiration.

"Specially tailored to this fanatic," Keyes sighed, gesturing towards Arca.

"Whoa, guys, you should try this," Arca said with a relaxed expression. It was safe to say… he was absolutely stoned.

Lotus fished out a small flavoured cigar from his top pocket and placed it between Arca's lips. He quickly lighted it, before grabbing his own Sweet William Cigar.

"Since when do you smoke?" Palmer arched an eyebrow, as Arca puffed on the tobacco piece.

"'Ince I 'oine 'eh 'ogam," he mumbled.

Lotus quickly grabbed the cigar and pulled it out of Arca's lips. Adrian exhaled a cloud of smoke and smiled. It smelt like strawberries.

"Since I joined the academy," he said. Lotus placed the Cigar between Adrian's lips again.

"Is that strawberry?" Palmer asked, perplexed.

Lotus took a long drag on his cigar whilst pulling out Arca's.

"I love strawberries," he said in the most childish manner. And out of nowhere, he then asked. "Swarma?"

"What?" Shepard asked. John just shook his head, knowing the Operative's eating habits from past experiences.

"Nice dish," Keyes commented.

"I just haven't had swarma for a while," Adrian said dreamily.

Lotus placed the strawberry flavoured cigar back in again.

"Maybe you should visit the medbay first," Palmer said. She also wanted to have a shower too, because from the sound of things, stoned Adrian wanted to go have swarma… asap.

"The swarma?" he asked with hope.

"Yes Arca," Lotus nodded with a fatherly tone, "then swarma."

"And I'll get you some strawberries, Loco," Vega added.

Adrian smiled with the most euphoric expression Palmer had ever seen.

"I love strawberries."

**XXxxXX**

**Many thanks to my friend, Aznboi52 who inspired me to write drabbles about whatever and his input and help on this story.**

**Please review.**

**Any ideas for future **_**Antics on the Normandy**_** would be greatly appreciated.**


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